Almira on Aging

Whew!…I will be turning 31 next March and I believed that growing

old is mandatory but growing up is optional…but as they say in one

of my favorite brand of moisturizer and cleanser commercial “it is

okay to turn 40 as long as you look 30″…Am I vain? Nope! I just

wanted to be always beautiful, because what you are now says a lot of

things on what you had been doing in your past years. Age gracefully

and wisely. But it is not enough that you look pretty and nice because

every wrinkle and every age spots on your face has its own story to

tell, what is essential in life is how you live with it and learned the

lessons from the travel you took…it is not the destination but the

journey, as they say. So, enjoy the road to aging but keep in mind that

there are beauty kit essentials you must have along the way…a

lipstick of love, powder of knowledge, comb for the difficult path,

perfume for your soul and moisturizer for your being!

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive me nuts

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb shoes

And the way you read my mind

I hate you so much that it makes me sick

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you’re always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

Even worst when you make me cry

I hate the way yoú’re not around

And the fact that you didn’t call

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you

Not even a little bit, not even at all.

Postscript: The poem maybe chessy but it all said the things I want to tell my loves

From the movie 10 Things I Hate About YOU

The Man without a Face

He is like a warm air

In every cold night

A protector by my side

Who never leaves me and holds me tight.

He is like my gallant knight

Who rescued me from this dark night.

Yes, he is the one person

I learned to love and trust.

But sometimes he makes me cry,

Yet still know how to make me smile

He makes time for everything

And everything to him is loving.

He is a vissitude that never ceases,

A change I learned to trust,

Who accepts my imperfections and past,

A person who truly loves me

No questions asked.

A dark well built charm,

Thank God he came!

Who never I imagined

Was the person that I had been waiting,

A man without a face in my dreams

He is the one…

The person who loves me for who I am.

He is tough but sweet enough

That can always melt my heart.

He is like my angel,

Who guards and guides me.

He may not be perfect but for me he is.

He is the love of my life,

The man without a face I had found

Now he had a face, but that’s not the case,

True loves only comes once

Thank God I found you

And you found me Loves!

I always loved looking at the crowd, life is like a circus in a fast changing world. Unpredicatable and exciting, pure twaddle don’t you think? Then I realized, what am I doing in the crowd? Then an answer came, I am looking for a face…A face in the crowd with no mask, something my heart and soul will recognize…I started walking from the crowd and assured myself “I will find him somewhere, somehow”…And everything is at a stand still for a while, there he is, the man without a face – who loves and accepts me – the child within me…And when our eyes meet off, our senses know our souls sit close silently within…Now, I stopped looking, for the man in my dreams now has a face…my Loves!

My Love Story

Have you ever experienced confusion in your life but you are still holding to a thread of hope? I had that struggle just a few weeks and I feel beleaguered…harassed and annoyed. The everyday life is a complete uncertainty. But this changed. While sorting my things from my past, I remember this blue notebook and there it was, a little food for the thoughts, a retrospective – a reminder from the past. Marriage is not always made in heaven. What I learned recently from my own relationship is that, when there is too much hate and pain consuming you sometimes you must move on. Now and again, I reminisce the small and great things my husband sacrifices for me…and why I love him in the first place. It was difficult to forgive especially if the agony hurts so bad but I must not dwell on the pain. I love him and he loves me… And sometimes, that is enough.

I want to share an article I read years ago. If  my memory is right,  I think my loves gave this, one lazy afternoon for me to read. After reading, this article really made me cry (well, I cry easily)…but it still does now. What my husband wants me to learned from this is that  love is not about saying the right things at the right time but it is about being always there when I need him or just always being there for me. I hope you will learned something from this. Perhaps love is never measured by the number of times he made me laugh. But by the number of times he made me smile after I cried. READ ON PLEASE.

My husband is an engineer by profession. I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling that I yearn against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit that I am getting tired of it. All the reasons why I love him before have now been transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am extremely sensitive and a sentimental woman and I yearn for those romantic moments – just like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity and his inability to bring romance into our marriage disheartened me about love one day. After mulling over this situation, I hastily decided to tell him that I want a divorce.

“Why?”, he asked, shocked at the suddenness of it all.

“I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!”, I answered.

He kept quiet the whole night, and seemed to be in deep thought, as he lit one cigarette after another.

My feeling of disappoinment only increases. Here was a man who couldn’t even express his feelings on what I thought was a serious predicament – what else could I hope from him?

Finally, he asked me, “What can I do to change your mind?”

Somebody said it right – it’s hard to change a person’s personality and I guess, I had started to lose faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: “Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. Let’s say I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we are both sure that picking this flower would cause you to fall to your death. Tell me, would you do it for me?”

He said: “I will give you your answer tomorrow…” My hopes sank just by listening to his response.

The next morning, I woke up to find him gone. Then I saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, slipped underneath a glass of milk, on the dining table near the front door. It went…

My dear wife,

” I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further…”

( This line was already breaking my heart, but I continued reading)

“When you use the computer, you always mess up the software. and because you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help restore the programs.”

“You always leave the house keys behind. Thus, I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.”

” You love travelling but always lose your way in a new city. Thus, I have to save my eyes to show your way.”

“You always have cramps on those days of the month, so I have to save my palms in order to soothe the ache in your tummy.”

“You like staying indoors,  and I have to save my mouth to crack jokes and tell you funny stories to ease your boredom.”

“You like sitting at the computer for hours, which do nothing good for your eyes. Thus, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can clip your nails, and pluck those annoying gray hairs. I can also hold your hands while strolling down the beach, so you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand…and tell you the color of the flowers, just like the glow on your pretty face.”

“Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do…I can’t pick that flower yet and die…”

( My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting, but I went on reading it…)

“Now that you have finished reading my answer, please decide if you are satisfied with it. Then open the front door for I am standing outside, with your favorite bread and fresh milk.”

I rushed to pull open the door and saw my husband’s anxious face – the milk bottle and loaf of bread in his hands…

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, I have decided to leave the flower alone.

That’s life…and love. When one is sorrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away. And one tends to ignore the true love that lies amidst the peace and quiet and the seeming routine and dullness of day to day existence.

Moonlight and roses? These may bring joy sometimes, but these merely skin – the surface of a relationship. Under all this, true love stands, as steady as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar.

Eyelashes

I see you like a molded clay, white uniform with a shadow of yesterday. Is this the place that kills the spirit?  But this is the only place that will give me the ticket to take life ‘s long winding journey which we all know that have some idiomatic lyrics.

But yet there you are in a chair – sitting. You turned around to looked for something or is it someone who walks swiftly here? I can hear it in your whispers. I can still read it in your gestures while x-raying your every moves.

Isn’t it a big mystery? Here I am watching you secretly. I just wondered, do you know I still exist? While I hide from this thousand lashes. Then, I see you walking away, a little game I should not play because I will be in the losing end.

Drop me dead God!

Your eyes seemed to wander, finding  someone in the crowd which maybe I dearly know? Then I realized life is really absurd?  I looked in the mirror…I saw myself for the first time, but then an eyelash had fall. I picked it up and wished for my tired soul. Funny! I see you everyday like a mold of clay behind the shadows of yesterday. And there you are sitting in a chair, I pity…Just a soul too lonely, while I walked out this room slowly.

You had ben an inspiration. Deep inside me you will remain both a painful yet a beautiful memory. You had taught me that in life and love it is a battle…a game that we ourselves make the rules. And in the end, I learned the lessons. You will be always a part of my life, a memory…and hey by the way, I thank you!

Chimerical

I just want to be near even if you are not existing, I just want to feel even if it’s all deception. We’ve been together always…Loving you, loving me. Is it a shame? You are so sweet and gentle yet you really never came. I see you everywhere and everyday. You are a part of a dream that never came true. You are in my breath even in the leaves that fall but yet I can not touch you… I know you so well, I even know how you feel but never did you see me as me – never felt my whole being. You are part of my system, my life and my every dream. Thinking of you makes me smile even it is a castle in the air…an illusion in my life. Did you even notice my dejection…my aloneness?  I can not be sure…did you really loved me? Because even up to now it is still a mystery why we fall in love, it is a mystery how it happens.

All we can do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes to our lives. But one thing for sure, my heart will always be beating, my soul will always be searching whenever melancholy occurs – because there’s something missing. And then, you must desert me, then I realized this is going too far I know…I must stop this reverie and enigma. The dream that I created, the two  of us amative and caring which only in my consciousness exist. I must let you go in my world, free you in this chimera. I must stop imagining…I should.

Facade

I just don’t know what to feel…Am I going crazy? nah…Am I lonely?…yeah…but all I wanted to feel is numbness, I just do not want to feel your coldness…Sometimes I prefer to be deaf so I will not hear the truth and sometimes I just wanted to be blind than to see all the changes in you. But I am not deaf nor blind so I can see and hear the things you do not want me to see or the things you hide from me. Sometimes I am thinking if I will be gone will you start missing me, start looking for me or even dare to care where the hell I am?  But will you do that? When you even answered that you will just go on with your life, you will find life  and on what stores for you. Are you that same person that I knew? I loved you not because on what things you can give to me but who you are but now the person I knew is like the man without a face…a shadow in the dark.

Sometimes I asked myself are the things that you showed to me are all disguise? It is a mask I learned to love and now you are putting it away, the person I love is slowly drifting away. What you are now is a contradictory from what I knew you, from the last time you told me you loved me. Did you changed because that’s really who you are? Yes, change is the only constant thing in this world… but the person I learned to loved is like a pebble in the river I can not find him, I can not feel your sincerity – you are just a facade.

God, what’s next? what will happen? Why the coldness? Because your tired? Tired listening to me, tired of endless questions? Can you really keep your promises even you lied to me so many times and now I really do not know if I should still trust you. Where are your promises? Is it also a mask that you utter? It is so sad to see things happened like this, what should I do? Accept the person from what he really was? What if I will not fall in love with that person? If in the beginning he already lied? Is this really who you are? Are we going to drift apart? Am I being narrow-minded? Is my love not enough for you? Am I really the one you are looking for, or am I really the person you wish to be with or your mind and heart is finding someone? If there is someone then maybe I should let you go…just say the words.

It is so sad…I am tired of thinking…tired of the pain. I just hate myself…I hate myself for loving and trusting you too much. For believing that that you will do the things you promised me…I hate you for being a liar…I hate the facade. But still I love you, I just do not know when to end this pain…when to believe and trust you again.  Yes, I still do love you but you had given me too much pain and I do not know how to forget. I wish I will be numb on the pain that you caused me so I will not feel anything…I wanted to cry but I can not.

I just wish I can see the man without a face that I loved…without the pretenses…without the mask.

Frivolous Sentiment

I really do not expect things will be like this, I really hate it…really abhor it, maybe I also detest myself. I pretend to be happy but the realism of it, is that I feel loneliness and emptiness inside me. Something is missing…some of your memories and lies are still haunting me. Everytime I closed my eyes, I see you. Everytime I am awake I  pretend you are beside me – talking to me, laughing with your silly jokes or always being there to care, I love the way you always love me even if you are not saying it with words…But you really do not listen to me, you don’t even remember the important things I had said or do you really knew me at all? You are not listening to my innermost thoughts and feelings but inspite of that I still kept on loving you even trusting you even a little…I don’t know why. Sometimes I asked myself are you really worthy of it? It is like sticking my neck out.

I always asked you too many questions but the answers always hanged in the air…And I am beginning to  get tired!I do not like things to be played like by the ear wherein not knowing what to expect and not having plans on what to do. I am jaded of this game you made or I just can not accept the things that are eating me up ,and all these things are because of you…Am I used to the things you are doing? Neglecting me? Am I that numb that I can not feel you anymore and I am used to of having no communication or you being around?

Do I miss you? Maybe not anymore because I can survive without your presence or not talking to you…Do I still trust you? I just can not answer right now, you must prove to me if I still can believe you. Do I still love you? I may hate you sometimes but my love will always be there…In spite of all these things I really still love you… But everything ends, nothing is permanent even my feelings are not constant…People get tired and sometimes they forget. I am afraid I will stop loving you if you still keep ignoring me. I do not say these things to you so I write it down maybe you will now listen on the things I am not saying…Why am I writing this? I do not know why, I only know how.

Good and Evil

It was just another day…baby sitting my baby brother and my daughter because mama and papa were not around and I have no choice but to endure this sweet pain of taking care of the two “menace” of the house. The weather is so unpredictable, it can not make up it’s mind if it will be raining or the sun will shine it is like my feelings that time, you can not really forecast the absolute weather and feelings of people and that’s a fact. Oh well, I am being so mushy again… It was really a boring day inspite of  all the chaos around me because of the two toddlers which are crying out loud because of some toys or arguing what to watch – Barney or Dora. (Yes, I tell you even 3 years old argue) It was a quite normal day. So, nothing to challenge my brain that time I ransacked mama’s old magazines where some are dated 1998 or I guess there are more antique magazines where I had left some stones unturned. Anyway, I read a bunch of it and this one article whacked my mind, well whoever are reading this may lead you to question “can destiny really do that?!”  Some of the paragraphs are from the magazine which I forgot the name because I tore the whole article from it.( I know that was wicked of me but my mother would not know…I guess) READ ON please…

The eternal battle between good and evil is as old as Adam and Eve as timeless as the story that propelled the Star Wars sequel and trilogy to success, as real as the moral decisions that confront us every single day. I would like to share you a story, perhaps fictional in some ways, but very real in giving us a valuable food for thought. The struggle to do good or be good will be there as long as we live, it is around us for as long as we live, it is around us, it is within us. Temptations will always be there to distract us, entice us and slowly change us until we can not recognize who we are…We may fail and fall along the way but what is important is not to lose sight of the big picture and never give up in the struggle to do what is right and good.

The Last Supper of Leonardo Da Vinci

The Last supper was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci, a noted Italian artist. The time engaged for its completion was 7 years. The figures representing the 12 Apostles and Christ himself were painted from living persons. The life model for the painting of the figure of Jesus was chosen first.

When it was decided that Da Vinci would paint this great picture, hundreds and hundreds of young men were carefully viewed in an endeavor to find a face and personality exhibiting innocence and beauty, free from scars and signs of dissipation caused by sin.

Finally, after weeks of laborious search, a young man 19 years of age was selected as a model for the portrayal of Christ. For 6 months Da Vinci worked on the production of this leading character of his famous painting.

During the next 6 years Da Vinci continued his labors on this sublime work of art. One by one fitting persons were chosen to represent the 11 Apostles; spaces being left for the painting of the figure representing Judas Iscariot as the final task of his masterpiece. This was the Apostle, you remember, who betrayed his Lord for  30 pieces of silver.

For weeks, Da Vinci searched for a man with a hard, callous face, with a conscience, marked by scar of avarice, deceit, hypocrisy and crime; a face that would delineate a character who would betray his best friend.

After many discouraging experiences in searching for the type of person required to represent Judas, word came to Da Vinci  that a man whose appearance fully met his requirements had been found in a dungeon in Rome, sentenced to die for a life of crime and murder.

Da Vinci made the trip to Rome at once, and this man was brought out from his imprisonment in the dungeon and led out into the light of the sun. There Da Vinci saw before him a dark, swarthy man, his long, shaggy and unkept hair sprawled over his face which betrayed a character of viciousness and complete ruin.

At last the famous painter had found the person who he wanted to represent the character of Judas in his painting. By special permission from the king, this prisoner was carried to Milan where the picture was being painted. For months he sat before Da Vinci at appointed hours each day as the gifted artist diligently continued his task of transmitting to his painting this base of character in the picture representing the traitor and betrayer of Our Saviour.

As he finished his last stoke, he turned to the guards and said, “I have finished. You may take the prisoner away.”

As the guards were leading their prisoner away, he suddenly broke loose from their control and rushed up to Da Vinci, crying as he did so, “O, Da Vinci, look at me! Do you not know who I am?” Da Vinci,with train eyes of a great character student, carefully scrutinized the man upon whose face he had constantly gazed for 6 months and replied, “No, I have never seen you in my life until you were brought before me out of the dungeon  in Rome.”

Then lifting his eyes toward heaven, the prisoner said,”Oh God, have I fallen so low?” Then turning his face to the painter he cried,”Leonardo Da Vinci! Look at ma again for I am the same man you painted just seven years ago as the figure of Christ.”

 

Teardrops That Fall

 

The rain begins showering,

Summer is done and I start myself asking,

Why do I need to stop from loving?

The reasons are unclear but tears start from falling.

Why should the sun makes a bow

Every time the moon and stars start to come?

Why should I hear whispers?

The secrets of a heart being shattered?

The rain starts flowing — hardly pouring

Like my heart screaming and mourning

Only a demented soul that can only bear

I just wish I can still feel that you care.

Why must the color of the night be black?

Is it our only companion at the dark?

Why does my eyes starts to cry?

Happens in the stormy month of July?

Again, I hear the rain shouts my name

It seems you’re there calling me out in the rain

But i know everything will remain the same

The only witness in every breath that came.

If only I can count the rain that drops

Maybe I’ll understand why my heart sobs

If only I can stop teardrops that fall

Maybe then I will see what love and pain is for.

Postscript:

One thing for sure, whenever I will think of you, you will always make me smile…sometimes makes me cry…I just miss you perhaps, I miss you being there—being there to care.